Today's Discussion is on...Depression

Sorry for the sad one right after talking about rain (Yikes!)

Don't click away from this page just yet! Depression is a very serious subject (one the government likes to ignore, am I right?). It's one I have struggled with, personally for a long time. This post won't turn into a cryfest where I want you to feel sorry for me (seriously, don't). You should feel sorry for the people who don't know how to deal with it and who can't/won't/don't know how to - receive help.

That said, I will post a link for you if you or someone you know is struggling with their inner demons. I know this is such a safety net for people to post these kind of hotline numbers, so I will go a step further. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to send me a message! I'm always up for making new friends and who knows, maybe I have a little experience of what you are going through.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Onwards to the discussion! What peeked my interest in writing about this today was, as you can tell from the date on my last post, I haven't write in a while. Yes, I was busy this weekend meeting family and getting new family (buying a fish, nothing too crazy), but on the week days I find it very hard for myself to get motivated when I'm feeling down. This feeling has come up WAY more after breaking up with my boyfriend and moving in with a co-worker, possibly due to the fact that I'm lonely. When my little sister was born, I shared a room with her until she went to college. Then I moved in with my ex. So, needless to say, I've had a room buddy for about twenty years of my life.

I'm a clingy person - I will say it. I'm also a needy person. If I want something (which to me means the same thing as "need"), I will get it. Due to this way of thinking, I've dug plenty into my savings, making myself look like a "just-out-of-college" stereotype. Money problems and loneliness aren't my only problems, but I think the next and only one left to talk about is my high levels of anxiety. I take medicine for this sucker, because I used to be WAY worse. I used to get nervous going work at my retail game store job every day, even when I really didn't need to be. I'd get nervous about classes, nervous about driving to the doctor, nervous about meeting up with an old friend...the list went on and on. Now, the nerves come and go, but my stress level is still way up there. I'm not happy with my job and I want more, so there's that for me to think about too.

Depression hits hard for people very very differently. It is genetic, so everyone in my family has some form of it. My older sister's is very harmful, as she has a mix of depression and schizophrenia (yeah, I had to let Google spell that one out for me) - called Psychoaffective disorder. She goes to a psychiatrist about once a month and has been since high school. My sister's is like mine, mild, and comes in waves where we will not want to do anything but just sit in a room and cry for no reason for a day or two. Who knows about my mom's - as she's never done anything to treat it (besides drinking wine and leaving us - let's not open that can of worms today). My dad's only really occurs when something goes wrong in his life, then he won't leave the house for a week and will just sit around eating junk food, ignoring his diet.

I've never come to that point in my life where my depression was so toxic to me that I've had horrible thoughts or wanted to do something rash. I'm usually pretty good at keeping myself together until I'm home from work if something bothers me. I have, however, decided to take action as my little depressive episodes have been becoming worse and worse the more I feel alone. I scheduled a therapist meeting this week, which I am nervous about, but I'm willing to try something new if it can help. My dad and two sisters see someone to talk to and as you can tell by my posts, I love to talk about myself and my feelings. My first A+ paper in college was a reflective essay about how I met my ex so, yeah, I'm pretty good at being egocentric!

I've been neglecting my posting for days now due to my mental inability to pick up my computer to write. When I get depressed, its like a few days where I just want to do nothing to play mindless games or scroll through twitter and Facebook. It affects my blog here, my social life, and my streaming schedule which I have barely touched at all this month. So, I'm very sorry to you all who tune in to read what goes on in my crazy brain. I'll try to do better, for your sake and mine (that means super random posts, I'm warning you)!

Good night and thanks as always for reading and keeping me going!

Love,

glimmer